Weddings Suck

I feel your pain lil lady.

Most girls are so excited to get married. Me? Yes i am excited.

But there is this one thing i have to deal with first. Planning a party for 300 people. Sounds like my idea of a fun Saturday night!

No wait, that sounds like my idea of the lower regions of hell.

Why is it the second you get engaged family comes out of the woodwork to make sure they are going to be invited and “What are your colours? and “Are you seriously not going to have a cake?” and “Wha Wha i just want to complain”.

Its annoying.  So before you bother a bride for the 100000th time about whether she has registered yet, remember this.  Not every bride wants to discuss and be defined by one day. Because this bride just wants that one day to be over so she can enjoy the whole MARRIAGE part and not the wedding.

I hope they like my dress at least……

I’m Back Baby!

Let’s talk about naming your child. Why? Because I want to, that is why.

These are Faceless Bandits rules for naming your child.

1.  Spell it right!          Do not add a Y where there should be an I. Abygail is not pretty. Nor is Ryker. Don’t add double letters for no reason (Leah Messer). Aleeah looks horrible.  Every time an employer sees that your parents spelt your name wrong, you better believe they will assume you are uneducated since your parents didn’t graduate grade 5.
2. Don’t choose random words.          I saw a girl on one webpage ask if Kaleesi was a good name for her new daughter. Not unless she is Dothraki would that be an acceptable name.
3. The 3-2-1 Rule.          Syllables matter.  Matt Scott Smith (1-1-1) does not flow well. Say it 5 times fast. I just did, and but the end i sounded like a drunken 80-year-old who forgot to put her teeth back in. Flow is important. Matthew Daniel Smith (2-3-1) is lovely. So match different syllables people.
4.  Just because it is a family name does not make it ok.                  Just because my  grandmother was named Bertha and i liked her a lot,  does not mean i need to inflict that name on my own children.
5. You do not need 8 names.          Why do people think they need 4 middle names?

“Hi, my name is Rosalind Arusha Arkadlina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. I will never fit my name on any application to win a contest ever. Also, my parents call me Luna. So even though i have 5 names to choose from, they felt i needed a nickname too.”

An Open Letter to Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah Palin,

Go away.

Sincerely,

Faceless Bandit

Seriously, stop talking.

Facebook Freedom

So It has been about 4 days since i decided to delete my Facebook.  And its actually amazing how it feels to not have to use that site anymore.

I have found a few changes in myself.

1.  I dont waste my time constantly checking facebook. For whatever reason i wanted to know what on earth was going on with people.  I wanted to see everything my ‘friends’ said, wanted to check up on people i dont know who were going through something.  I love not having to do that.

2. I’m made more of an effort to contact my friends and make arrangements to see them.  Since i dont get all their info via the web now, i want to SEE them and TALK to them about whats going on.

3. I’m not so catty.  For some reason i have jealousy issues. Probably due to the lack of self esteem.  Dont get me wrong i’m not some timid chick who only ever says 1 word answers.  But after a few life changing situations, my personality has been forever changed and i am shy, jealous and self loathing to an extent (the reason behind this can be left to a future post should i ever decided to divulge it into the cyber world).  So not snooping on people, not seeing that they are somehow ‘ahead’ of me has actually left me time to focus on myself and do things that make me feel better, instead of make me feel worse about myself.

So we shall see if these all continue. So far i have not had any urge to reactivate my account, which is awesome.  And i can only see positives in this one MINOR change to my life. 

Its weird how one site has such a huge affect on so many people.

I am shamelessly obsessed with celebrities

It is really, really lame.  I am continuously on news sites to discover the “Breaking News: Christina Aguilera is fat again!” at all times of the day. 

This is fake, but none the less funny. Fatty fatty fat fat!

It wakes me from my sleep, I fail to complete as much work as possible while I’m AT work, and my blackberry has become a tracker for celebrity gossip.  

Honestly, I really dont care about these people.  If I never heard the name Kate Gosselin or Sarah Palin for the rest of my life, it would be the happiest of existences.  Honestly, they bore me.  However I have discovered something.  Its amazing.  And once all my fellow celebrity gossip lovers realize this, the happier and more at peace they will become. 

My life is boring.

Say it with me everybody!! “My life is boring”.  What a refreshing stance isn’t it?

Now I say this with the greatest amount of love and affection.  Why?  Really it’s simple math.  In my life time, the amount of affairs and scandals involving illegitimate children will probably be in the range of 0-1.  But i get to ready about it every day.  In my life the amount of crack addict friends or relatives I will have to deal with will be in the range of 0-1.  But i can think of probably a dozen celebrities who are in rehab right now (you go Lindsay, get your career back).  And the amount of weddings I will attend with a budget of over $100,000 will be in the range of 0-0, but OMG Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are going to have the biggest wedding off ever!

So this is why I have accepted my fate.  Because my life will never be as crazy and exciting. And frankly I probably wouldn’t want it to be.  I am quite content living my quiet little life in a small hamlet with a house 100 years old. 

Signed,

Faceless Bandit (or am I Britney Spears? Think about it….)

Or am I Lindsay Lohan? I kinda hope not

Christmas, X-Mas, Hanukkah…Serenity Now!

This is the most terrifying picture ever.

The season is upon us, and I am very excited.  We bought our first Christmas tree (which unfortunately has to be fake this year) and I decorated it all pretty the way I like it.  There are even quite a few wrapped presents under the tree.  Excitement all round!! I even found a station on the radio playing 24/7 Christmas tunes.  It’s still a month away and I couldn’t believe my luck. Oh wait, i have none of this so called ‘luck’ what am I blabbing about!

Dear People: The Holiday Season is NOT the time to start getting Snoopy.

What do I mean by that?  I mean a certain someone I know, looked at a certain credit card bill I own, and saw a certain charge for a certain present for a certain Christmas, meaning a certain person’s Christmas is certainly ruined.  

How to you fix that?  You can’t.  You have to buy even more stuff to mask the fact that they already know their main gift.  Oh bother.  The one time a certain someone decides to snoop.  Oh bother.

Despite this fact, Christmas isn’t suppose to be about the presents (though, don’t kid yourself, dont lie…IT IS) and all I really want is to see some good friends, have some egg nog (they can have mine I hate the stuff, pass me a rum and coke instead) and to relax and enjoy the time off.  One month away, I have an awful amount of shopping to do with an awfully low income and still a smile creeps on my face.  What an odd anomaly.

Also, someone let me know what the Muppets Christmas Carol is on TV.  That is the best movie ever.

Life After Facebook

There is a reason I decided to start a blog.  A stupid reason, but a reason none the less.  I went away on holiday to Florida.  Sunny, beautiful Florida.  And I loved it.  I felt free.  And I realized a large contributing factor to this ‘freedom’ was the fact that my phone was off for a week and I was not incessantly nagged by the ‘pinging’ or the inherent desire to see what people were doing.

It shocked me.  And I realized it all at once like a truck had hit me.  I hated Facebook.  I hated that I needed to discover what people I hadn’t talked to in 6 years were thinking.  I hated that I had to have my ex’s in my face, and other peoples ex’s in my face.   I hated that people probably creeped on my page to see how many posts I had for my birthday.  So i decided to delete it.  To walk away and try to live without it.  Which is absurd.  The site has been up for 5 years and walking away is like pulling off a band aid.  You know it will be a short amount of pain but you’ll be happier in the end.

Once I deleted it I became irritated. I LIKED the idea that whatever I wanted to say, I could have a platform for hundreds of people to see it.  Why do I need people to see what I’m thinking?  On a good day it bores the shit out of me, so why would ANYONE want to read it?  I don’t know.  I think the internet has become such an integral part of out social habits that without it we start feeling a little too alone.  Odd.  And sad.  Sort of.

So in the end, in my lame attempt to feel like someone, somewhere might read my thoughts i have started a blog. Get ready, because no one thinks like me.